Let’s say you’ve connected with your date. She’s funny; she’s cute; she’s charming. The two of you have all the chemistry in the world when you’re out on a date together. She laughs at your jokes. She just gets you. Then, the two of you go back to her place, and she invites you up for coffee. But when it comes time to do the deed, you’re not sure if your erection is hard enough. The build up has been great, but it’s a little clumsy getting your clothes off. Her bra gets stuck. You’re still not sure you’re hard enough but you end up forcing it in and it’s okay. The whole thing is kinda clumsy. And that’s the problem. She’s the perfect girl. But it was just okay.
It’s not all on you, but of course you’ll take brunt of it when you replay the whole thing over again in your head.You have to relax. Just like anything, the first time that you do something doesn’t always go perfect. Throw in the whims and needs of another person that you may not be totally in sync with and it’s bound to be a little too complicated to nail the first time.
Then, you add in the fact that you have some weight attached to it. You’re bound to have some anxiety — even if only subconsciously — when it’s almost like this new relationship is on the line. You have feelings for her. You really want it to work out, so now you’ve placed pressure on the situation to make it work. But that should just give you added incentive to give it another shot.
The first time that you have sex with someone shouldn’t be the best time too. That would be a downer for the rest of your relationship. You’re just scratching the surface.
The first thing you’re going to do is take your accumulated knowledge from your experiences in your hometown and apply them to this new town. You’re going to hit the fast food places, the chain restaurants and the stores that are familiar to you. When you’re with her, you’re going to do the things that worked with your previous partners and what pleased them, what got them to orgasm. But not every person is the same.
You start to check out all the hot spots the locals tell you about, but maybe aren’t as good as they tell you. That’s like trying out all of the things you’ve read about online or in magazines. Maybe trying out that move that so-and-so raved about at the bar. And it’s getting a little better, but it’s not all the way there yet. Maybe this wasn’t the best sex, but you’re starting to explore new things and you’re getting a feeling for how she reacts to certain stimuli. She’s responsive to some things, but not to others. But don’t get discouraged because she’s hot and she’s doing the same for you. It’s some trial and error, but it’s not quite there yet.
Visiting those hot spots that the locals told you about opened you up to new experiences and you started exploring on your own. You found that little hole in the wall that makes coffee just the way you like it. You found that mom and pop place that always has your favorite stuff in stock. You have your secret sots that you can go to when you need to get away or share with that special someone. You’re a veteran of your town now and you know all the nooks and crannies. But there are still surprises from time to time that keep it exciting.
That’s where you want to be with her and that’s where you can get. Getting to know each other’s bodies takes time and effort. It also takes communication. If you’re not sure how something is going, talk it out.
You had to put in the effort and explore. That’s what you need to do with her. If the sex isn’t perfect right away, then here’s some great news. Have lots more of it. I know that might seem counterintuitive. Why would you want to have more sex when it was disappointing in the first place. The sex will get better as the relationship gets better and you become more attached to one another. You’ll get to know one another and it’ll be so much easier. If you hit any walls, you’ll be closer and you’ll be able to just ask what’s working and what isn’t.
She should be exploring your needs and desires as well. This is just as important in any sexual relationship. You don’t need to be forcing your needs over hers. There should be mutual respect there. However, if she just isn’t trying to find anything out about you and what you like in bed, then maybe the relationship is hitting a wall.
But if you’re hitting walls, and she just isn’t communicating, and the sex just isn’t getting any better, that’s when you need to start weighing whether this is a relationship is worth pursuing. You can put in more work and try more communication, trying to find other ways of giving her the information she needs to get you to where you need to be to get the most out of a sexual experience with her, but if you feel like you’re putting in all of the effort and she’s not really doing anything, then perhaps it’s time to just stop wasting time. Maybe this is just a friendship rather than more. You can have a ton of chemistry and enjoy being with one another without having to pursue the relationship sexually or romantically.